Before a woman begins breastfeeding, she wonders whether it’s going to be weird. Let me tell you, breastfeeding is totally natural and normal — it’s not weird. Except when it is. Below is a short list of some of these moments.
At birth: The early days. Learning to breastfeed is totally natural, right? Sure, nothing beats having a nurse grab your boob with one hand and force your tiny infant’s head onto it with the other, all while you’re caught in that giddy hit-by-a-bus-but-it’s-adorable post-partum fugue.
Month 1: Latching everywhere. “Latching” is the term for when a baby attaches his mouth onto a woman’s nipple. Or onto her chin, or knee, or husband, or mom, or colleague who dropped by with flowers.
Month 2: Accidental motorboat. A baby who is looking to latch may rapidly turn his head from side to side. This adorable gesture may result in motorboating mom’s brand-new, nursing-boob cleavage.
Month 3: Mis-latch hickey. By month three, a baby’s suction has improved quite a bit. Sleepy three-month-old + sleepy mommy can equal near-nipple hickeys you’d rather not explain.
Month 4: Distractosaurus. Your baby wants to eat. Theoretically. He also wants to look out the window, smile at you, practice rolling over, put the blanket in his mouth, and play with his feet. Unfortunately for mommy, that means popping off your nipple, often painfully, and possibly resulting in breastmilk shooting across the room.
Month 5: Nipple raspberries. Five-month-old babies love to blow raspberries. It’s silly. It’s funny. It’s adorable. When they do it to your nipple, it’s just weird.
Month 6: Grabby hands. Your little guy is learning the pincer grasp! He is grabbing everything with his thumb and forefinger and you couldn’t be prouder. Until he grabs your nipple between his little fingers. Then it’s time to start him on solid food.